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| beautiful gente near the zócalo |
I guess it's not really fair to say that today is the first day I've wanted to write. I've had some observations, some reflections, some things to say before. But honestly it felt a little forced. And yeah - haven't felt really led, really pulled, to write/share things. It's just that this time around I'm having a totally different kind of experience than the first two times I kept a blog. In Spain I was just discovering the world, really. Everything was new and fresh, and I myself couldn't even keep up with how much I was learning, how quickly my horizons were broadening across ridiculously gorgeous mountains and seas. It was all I could do to not write down every fantastic, delicious detail of that life-changing semester. Last summer was similar - a new place, although not a new world. New people, new communities. Really great. Hugely important to my corazoncito. But this time is different. This time simultaneously feels just like a culmination of everything I've been working towards over the last year, if not everything that's happened to me in the past two... three? Well, it both feels like that, and you know what? It also just feels like normal fucking life. It feels like I graduated from college, and now I live in Mexico City, and I'm doing this cool job, and hanging out with my cool friends, and exploring the city and meeting new people. And it's all good, I know how lucky I am - but it also just feels kind of normal. Like of course I'm doing this. And of course I never stop learning, I always hope I'm reflecting and growing and having adventures. But it also just feels so... I don't know. Natural. So there isn't a revelation every day. There isn't a striking new discovery that blows my mind and I can't wait to share. There's just natural, glorious, everyday beauty. And comfort. And complications. And mini adventures and new bars and dances and people. But the pace is slower. It's calmer. It's soothing... And I'm just realizing as I write this that I needed that.
Haverford took it out of me, man. I wouldn't have it any other way, and I have a lot to say about my time there and how important it was to me. But yeah - I think I'm just exhausted. So I always want to have buena energia and be cheerful and funny and explore and talk to people. But I think my frame is shifting. At least for now, just normal life is good. And maybe it's okay that my job isn't stressful... Whoa. WHOA. Maybe it's okay that my job isn't stressful! Maybe I can work hard and do a good job, and NOT need to be embarassed that it doesn't sound like a hard job when I explain it to other people. Maybe it's okay that the Haverford interns feel tired and sometimes stressed and that I don't. I did that last summer. Now I'm just here to take the edge of for them. And do a bunch of other things of course, but this point of comparison is important to me. I realize now that I felt awkward or uncomfortable that they seem to be working so much harder than me. They are exhausted, man. I think they're having a great time, but their days are FULL. And they don't have much choice in the matter. But I'm not doing that. I think I'm just living. And, by the way, I'm loving every minute of it. Not, like I said, in the overflowingly passionate, my-mind-is-being-blown-every-second-and-my-life-is-changed-forever way that I'm used to. I think I'm just, simply, happy. And it really is a simple happiness... I really like it. It's weird to think about being a slightly calmer Annie, but it's also okay. It's a good break. It's ever so slightly more grown up. It's more just being Annie, and letting Annie Bee be a version of me that happened, and that might happen again, but is resting for now. For now I'm just Annie.
Wow. What an introduction, right? Ha. Thanks for allowing that - I feel way better now. OH MY GOSH I just learned so much!! I am definitely a verbal processor. Or whatever, needing to use words, whether spoken or written, to figure things out. Especially my own thoughts. Okay okay okay, but so here's the actual entry that I wrote when I first opened up my compu about half an hour ago. Prepare yourselves, there's a lot going on there, too :) p.s. I'm sorry but I need emoticons. You need to know that I'm smiling, and how else can I explain that? Ugh, no okay I'm deleting the smiley face because I can't deal with it. It feels so right to write them but they look so stupid afterwards. Dammit. HA okay okay okay but so here is this:
"Today I felt incredible during meeting. What a chance to reflect. During our Quakerism platica, when I asked everyone to share why they were here, Pati me dijo que my enthusiasm is contagious. Bronwen smiled and said, "You've got something special, kid!" And now, having eaten lunch, I'm lying on my bed reflecting on this, and on how I feel when I facilitate these workshops, and on all the people and experiences that created even the possibility for this incredible moment to happen. Maybe I really am moving towards that loving, centered, positive, earnest, articulate self that I want to be. I always think about Rachel Stacy, and the incredible presence she brought to my YALD experience. Really, she brought it to every gathering that she facilitated. It was amazing. She made me/us feel safe and loved. She wanted us to share. She wanted to created a space where we could take risks and grow and feel supported as we challenged each other to live into our best selves. And she made it look so easy. I always knew that it wasn't, that she must have had hours of experience that helped her hone those skills. But it was always so genuine - and maybe that's why it seemed effortless. She wasn't just practicing good facilitation skills on us. She really cared, and that came through. Her light touched all of us, making the room a little warmer, a little brighter. That's who I hope to be someday. I know I'll always have my own style, my own vibe. I know that we're different people. But I still look up to her so much as a model of the best kind of leadership.
That's all to say that - maybe in the past I've been so aware of my appreciation and respect for the amazing leaders I've encountered, I'm less in touch with how others could possibly experience me that way. That I have something special that makes others feel engaged, hopefully nurtured, safe.
I love the community here so much. Today after meeting, I felt at home for the first time. It seriously brings me to the point of happy, appreciative tears. People know who I am now. I know most of the names, almost all of the faces. My Spanish came to me today, it worked with me instead of against me, it allowed me to connect instead of making it more difficult. I really have been scared, or nervous, or something. It's just been feeling really difficult to find the energy and the confidence to hang out during fellowship time and just chat in Spanish. But today was different. It just came to me. I finally felt like myself. I also finally felt like I had something to be proud of, like I didn't have to be ashamed of the fact that I haven't been working hard enough, or hide the fact that I feel like I'm not doing a good job. This week I did a good job. In fact, I think I did a really good job. And I think other people think so too. I was so afraid that they didn't. I was so afraid that I was disappointing everyone, and just like at Haverford that fear was crippling. It whispered devilishly in my ear that it would be easier, better to just retreat and ignore everything and "take care of myself" by relaxing instead of kicking myself in the pants to work harder.
But last week was different. I finally stopped hiding, stopped being timid and nervous and intimidated. It all happened when I facilitated my first Quakerism workshop/class/conversation (I still can't decide what to call it, especially in Spanish). It was really incredible. Like fifteen people came, and they were all curious and interested and open and thoughtful."
Okay that was as far as I got before I wanted to go back and add those introductory thoughts. I'm now feelin the need to wrap this up, because this entry is getting pretty long, as per usual. But briefly: YEAH the taller was great last week! And it was something concrete that I knew wouldn't have happened if I wasn't there to make it happen. After that, I felt like I was actually doing something. And I finally lived into my self-created schedule for the full week! Worship every morning at 9 am, then breakfast with the guests, then office hours from 10-1 (mostly for doing check-ins with people here, plus attempts to write to folks. I have an crazy list of projects to do during that time - haven't quite finished any of them yet ha. But it makes me excited for tomorrow because I want to do them all!) On Tuesday afternoon I made sure I was actually in the guest lounge for convivencia (I realized I really need to schedule that otherwise it's too easy to leave the Casa or just hang out downstairs). And on Wednesday I facilitated worship sharing. It was fantastic - using the queries about self-care from YALD. Had the actual piece of paper and everything. Guy is one of my all-time favorite people. So yeah those are my regular things. The week filled up with one-on-ones, a big event with the Spanish classes on Friday, prepping/cleaning up from a big party yesterday for this awesome group that's been using our space for their trainings before they go to Veracruz, and today was full of Meeting and convivencia and the taller. SHEW. Busy. Productive. Happy. I promise promise more details about the awesomeness that was/continues to be the workshops and the worship sharing. I actually have a bunch of it written out, but this entry is just begging for a conclusion, so I'll make it here. I'm feeling good, guys. You're all awesome.
